As a young adult, I decided that I didn’t want to have children. It seemed to me that all my parenting friends had struggled to find the balance between work and family. And they had to deal with loads of stress, runny noses, and first-day-of-school-tears (their child’s and their own).
When I made that decision, the universe probably smiled, nodded, and said, “We’ll see.” Many years later I met and married my second husband – who had two teenage children. Although they never lived with us full-time, they did occasionally come on vacation with us or spend time with us when we visited their hometown.
Anybody who steps into a parenting role feels somewhat uncertain; stepping into the role of a stepmom was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I had no experience as a biological parent, and the only experience I could draw on was being a dog mom!
Fortunately, we’ve never had an argument or a tense atmosphere because they’re perfect children and we’re perfect parents. So, that’s all for today, folks! Nothing interesting to see here. We all lived happily ever after… I wish.
Please Join Us!
What: #MTtalk
Where: Twitter
When: October 21 @ 1 p.m. ET (5 p.m. GMT / 10:30 p.m. IST)
Topic: Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives
Host: @Mind_Tools
To be honest, we’ve had some stormy times when we all have had to navigate rough waters.
I knew from my line of work that if we didn’t have guiding principles, it would put a lot of strain on our marriage. Early on, we decided that we would present a united front when we needed to deal with potentially difficult issues with the children.
Parenting: Work Experience Works
From day one, we expected the children to have good manners in our house, and I’ve never tolerated them being disrespectful to their father in front of me. I also undertook to be my husband’s “voice of reason” when emotions ran high for him.
They are adults now, so how we interact with them has changed, but we still stick to our guiding principles.
I also draw on my work experience to help me be the best “gift mom” I can be, and the following strategies have been immensely helpful.
My Parenting Top Tips
Always have open and honest, yet respectful, conversations. It’s in those conversations that we develop an understanding of one another’s hurts, expectations, boundaries, and vulnerabilities.
Don’t let an issue fester. If something bothers you, speak up immediately if the place and time are right, otherwise as soon as the time is right. Things don’t just disappear on their own if you pretend they didn’t happen. Quite the opposite.
Be accountable for what you did/didn’t do. Blame shifting, justification and denial won’t fix the problem. Take accountability for what you did and do better next time. It has a higher success rate.
“Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong.”
Brené Brown, American professor, lecturer and author
Understand how trust works. Deposit as much as you can into the trust account by doing things like apologizing when you’re wrong, keeping your word, not being two-faced, and being transparent.
Listen to one another with your heart, your mind and your ears. If people feel unheard they feel disrespected.
Be considerate and respectful. Good manners will never get you into trouble!
And even though they’re my gift children and they’re adults, one of the hardest things to do is to step back, let go, and let them live their lives the way they choose to.
Getting Close by Letting Go
My fellow Mind Tools coach Mike Barzacchini shares that sentiment, and he calls it “Lessons in Letting Go.” He says, “As a parent, I tried to hold on, but I learned that parenting is often about learning to let go.
“Sure, when our son was a baby, we held on tight, keeping him close in our hug. As he started to crawl, then walk, I received my first lesson in letting him go within the safe boundaries of our home, our yard, the playground, and eventually school.
“As my son became a teen and a young adult, we negotiated wider boundaries. I needed to grow my trust in myself and in him.
“Letting go built closer bonds and a stronger relationship between my son and me. Were there missteps, mistakes, and sometimes hard lessons? Of course. But each came with the opportunity to grow.
Trusting Your Team
“Letting go is active. It’s not ignoring or walking away. It involves listening, learning, being present, and being available. It’s communicating that I support your efforts. I’m here when you need me. Which means I will help, not hinder.
“I reflect on these same lessons as a manager. So I resist the urge to hold on to control, to my idea, to directing the project with a tight hand. Instead, I let go. I trust the talent and judgment of my team members. And by letting go, we build a stronger team and produce better work.
“Maybe the bigger lesson is this: the more we trust ourselves, the more we are able to trust and support others, as parent, partner, co-worker, and manager. And the more we come to see the active process of letting go as a strength that can benefit any relationship.”
About This Week’s Parenting and Work Chat
In our upcoming #MTtalk Twitter chat, we’ll be discussing parenting and how you can put your parenting skills to good use at work. Come and join this safe discussion space to share your thoughts and experiences!
In our Twitter poll this week, we wanted to know which parenting skills you use most often as a leader or manager. Most participants voted for teaching/mentoring, while resource management does not seem to be high on the list of priorities. To see all the options and results, please click here.
We’d love you to participate in the chat, and the following questions may spark some thoughts in preparation for it:
- Can you build a career and a family at the same time?
- What negative feelings do you experience as a working parent?
- What’s the best thing about being a working parent?
- “It takes a village to raise a child.” Does that also apply in the workplace when you have a new employee?
- What does it mean to “parent” a team member? When should you do it – and when shouldn’t you?
- What parenting strategies/skills that you use for your children also work for your team?
Parenting and Work Resources
To help you prepare for the chat, we’ve compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Note that you’ll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)
Working Moms and Daddy Day Care – the Hidden Side of Co-Parenting
Handling Long-Term Absences in Your Team
How to Take Part in #MTtalk
Follow us on Twitter to make sure that you don’t miss out on any of the action this Friday! We’ll be tweeting out 10 questions during our hour-long chat.
To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then click on “Latest” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.
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