Where did I belong? Growing up, I got good grades and didn’t cause trouble. Like 90 percent of the students, I didn’t drive to school, I rode the yellow school bus. I was not part of the “in” crowd, cliques, or “cool” kids.
Neither was I one of the kids who wore spiked hair and chains, or embraced the goth look. I did not become a teenage parent.
Outsider, Not an Outcast
Though I didn’t share this with others, I know I said to myself that I wanted to fit in sometimes. It was more that I wanted to stand out less while following an archaic church rule limiting my clothing options. The kids just accepted this “religious” restriction and didn’t tease me.
Now that I’m an adult, I believe my actual desire was to belong. If I had been able to participate in more social activities with my peers, the opportunity might have been there.
“The thing is that we are wired to be a part of something bigger than us so deeply, that sometimes we will take fitting in as a substitute, but actually fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging because fitting in says, ‘Be like them to be accepted.’ Belonging says, ‘This is who I am. I hope we can make a connection.’”
Brené Brown (U.S. author and research professor)
The third level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs discusses the need for belonging. Once we reach this level as human beings, we now focus externally and begin addressing our needs with others because we sense wanting to be part of something.
Please Join Us!
What: #MTtalk
Where: Twitter
When: May 6 @ 1 p.m. ET (5 p.m. GMT / 10:30 p.m. IST)
Topic: Belonging vs. Fitting in
Host: @Mind_Tools
Where Do I Belong?
I was in age-appropriate clubs and choirs at school and church in my teenage years. I belonged to those groups, so I paid my monthly dues. I chose these groups because I enjoyed learning about computers, singing, competing in mock trial, and performing community service.
Since I was active in clubs and organizations in high school, I looked forward to finding something at college. During my first year, I attended the “First Look Fair,” the Fall outdoor exhibit where students could learn about campus clubs and organizations at a one-stop shop.
Tables and chairs lined the sidewalks of McKeldin Mall, a beautiful, grassy quad at the center of the campus with diagonal sidewalks. I walked up and down the many aisles, collecting handouts, playing table-attracting games, and left my contact details to get more information for several student groups.
I Found Where I Belong
My freshman and sophomore terms were part-time, so my whole college experience was nine years instead of four or five. Since I worked part-time and lived off-campus, I could occasionally participate in a few extra-curricular campus activities. Later, as a full-time student, I was able to spend more time on or near campus.
My university had a student organization for practically everything from A to Z: cultural, academic, religious, sports, hobbies, and more! One group I joined was an advocate for commuting students. Other organizations I joined were business-related or cultural.
When considering a sorority, the only one that resonated with me was the one I had never heard of, Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc. The colors also grabbed my attention, so I headed for their table to speak with members about the organization. They invited me to other events, and I joined their interest group.
As the eldest of three children, it felt good to interact with women who would become my big sisters one day. It felt right being there as I was. I didn’t have to change my personality, and they didn’t suggest that I should.
Before joining, I noticed that people treated members of fraternities and sororities more favorably. I was not a member of the largest sorority chapter on campus, but I enjoyed moving up the social ladder of respect by being an active member of a Greek-lettered organization!
I also had to work mindfully to maintain my identity as “Sonia” so non-members wouldn’t only refer to me as “the SGRho.”
If I had joined a different sorority under our national umbrella organization, I would have had to downplay or chip away parts of myself to be accepted. A 5cm circle will fit perfectly into a 5cm square, but not the other way around.
Belonging vs. Fitting in
In our upcoming #MTtalk Twitter chat, we’ll explore the difference between fitting in and feeling you belong. Come and join this safe discussion space!
In our Twitter poll this week, we wanted to know how people feel about belonging or fitting in or belonging in their current workplace.
The results are telling: 47 percent of participants voted that they don’t fit in or belong, while only 26 percent of participants felt that they belong. To see all the options and results, please click here.
We’d love you to participate in the chat, and the following questions may spark some thoughts in preparation for it:
- Why do we have a need to fit in? Are all of us insecure?
- What are some of the things people do to fit in?
- Have you ever tried to fit in only to realize this was a mistake? What happened?
- Why is it important to feel you belong rather than just fit in?
- Which factors most help people to feel that they belong when working online?
- What would you want a team or organization to do to help you and others feel you belong there?
Useful Resources
To help you prepare for the chat, we’ve compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Please note, to see some of these resources in full, you need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member.)
What Are Cultural Fit and Cultural Add?
Follow us on Twitter to make sure you don’t miss out on any of the action this Friday! We’ll be tweeting out 10 questions during our hour-long chat. To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “Latest” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.
The post Belonging vs. Fitting in — Join Our #MTtalk! appeared first on Mind Tools Blog.
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