Please Join Us!
What: #MTtalk
Where: Twitter
When: April 8 @1 p.m. ET (5 p.m. GMT / 10:30 p.m. IST)
Topic: Dealing With Defensiveness
Host: @Mind_Tools
Let’s admit it, we all get defensive sometimes. “No, we don’t!” I hear you say. See what I mean?
Defensiveness is a very human response in certain situations. But what makes us defensive and what can we do about it? And just as important, what can we do when other people get defensive?
I’ve observed that not everything makes us defensive – it seems to be that specific situations or topics trigger defensiveness. For my own part, I’m usually a confident and secure individual, but there have always been some areas where my insecurities get the better of me and I can get defensive.
“I had to learn to allow myself to make a mistake without becoming defensive and unforgiving.”
Lisa Kudrow, American actor
Over time, I’ve developed the self-awareness to recognize and analyze those insecurities. I’ve learned to check myself before the temperature rises – but I’ve learned the hard way.
Boiling Point
I was an outgoing kid (some called me a “tomboy”) always keen to play outdoors. My big sister, by contrast, was more comfortable inside the home.
My parents were OK with this arrangement as it worked well for the family – my sister did the household chores and I did any outdoor work. Perfect teamwork!
But issues started to emerge when I got married. My mother-in-law is a great cook – and so are her daughters, son, and husband, too. I quickly found myself the “odd one out” in the family. Cooking was never my strong suit but I tried my best, with little success. I got agitated. Any time the subject of cooking came up I became annoyed – and defensive.
Why Did I Get So Defensive?
When I looked deeper and searched for reasons for my defensiveness, I discovered it was a conflict with my values. I perceived the reaction to my sub-standard cooking skills as a threat – a direct question mark over my potential, as well as a judgment on my parents for their parenting.
Not being able to cook at a high level made me feel inadequate, and I was trying, in my own way, to compensate – to defend myself. It took years to accept myself and my abilities in the kitchen. Eventually, I learned to be happy with “good enough.” Now I’m aware of the trap and can sidestep it: I remind myself not to filter feelings of inadequacy through my self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
Could my new family have handled it differently? Sure, they could have done more to make me feel welcome and part of the family. But we can all sometimes rile others due to our own insecurities. Or perhaps even by accident – pushing someone without even realizing we’ve hit a sensitive area.
Whatever the case may be, and whatever side we’re on, it’s a good idea to dig deeper to understand the “why” and “what” of it in order to defuse defensiveness. The courage to become vulnerable, and acknowledge the same struggle in others – that’s the place to start.
Dealing With Defensiveness
In our upcoming #MTtalk Twitter Chat, we’ll be exploring how to deal with defensiveness – other people’s and your own, at home or at work.
We’d love you to participate in the chat and the following questions may spark some thoughts in preparation for it:
- What does defensiveness look like, sound like?
- In your opinion, why do people react defensively?
- What makes you act defensively?
- When does defensiveness tend to arise? What words/situations trigger it?
- When does defensive behaviour become unacceptable?
- How do you manage repeated defensiveness by a team member?
- How do you defuse your manager’s defensiveness?
In our Twitter poll last week, we wanted to know why some people react defensively even when they’re being asked a non-confrontational question. Sixty percent of participants voted for “they feel judged” while only five percent thought it was due to a lack of accountability.
Resources
To help you prepare for the chat, we’ve compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)
How to Manage Defensive People
Dealing With Manipulative People
How to Join to Twitter Chat
Follow us on Twitter to make sure you don’t miss out on any of the action this Friday! We’ll be tweeting out 10 questions during our hour-long chat. To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “Latest” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.
The post #MTtalk: Dealing With Defensiveness appeared first on Mind Tools Blog.
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