Click mouse. Nothing. Click, click. Still nothing. Panicked click-click-click. The big screen on my desk is dark. Frantic clickclickclick. And it’s dead.
My mind goes into a tailspin. It feels as if a vortex of apocalyptic thoughts rips through my brain – I visualize the debris of my life hurtling toward a black hole and disappearing. A computer malfunction isn’t something I can absorb right now.
Then I see it: a cable dangling from the screen. Wait… what?
It looks like the cable that should be plugged into my laptop to connect it to the screen. Indeed, it is. When I look to my left, I see my laptop – not in its usual place, but where I left it after I rushed in from a meeting.
With a sigh of relief, I return my laptop to its place, plug in the screen, click the mouse – and wouldn’t you know it, everything’s working just fine! Then I realize: the overwhelm is real, and I need to rescue myself from it. Now.
Please Join Us!
What: #MTtalk
Where: Twitter
When: December 17, @1 p.m. ET (6 p.m. GMT / 11:30 p.m. IST)
Topic: Rescue and Recovery – Caring for Yourself & Others
Host: @Mind_Tools
Accepting Overwhelm
When I was younger, I felt that, as a woman, it was expected of me to be superhuman and do work, do life, do wife, do parent, and do community without breaking a sweat – and all while getting eight hours of sleep and looking as calm as a millpond. I found it hard and shameful to even utter the words, “I feel overwhelmed.”
Sometimes it still takes me longer than it should to know when I’m getting overwhelmed, but at least now I do recognize it. When I experience forgetfulness, have difficulty concentrating, am being scatterbrained, or have racing thoughts and can’t sleep, I know that I’m toeing the overwhelmed line.
Experience is a wonderful teacher if you learn from it – otherwise, it’s more like torture. An important thing that it’s taught me is not to fall for temporary quick fixes like denial and procrastination. That’s just kicking the can down the road.
Recovering Yourself
Being overwhelmed has taught me several things and enabled me to grow, too.
One of the gifts of realizing that I’m overwhelmed is that it helps me to reorder my priorities. Everything can’t possibly be equally important, so I list what needs to be done today, and what can wait until tomorrow, or even next week or next month.
I’ve also rediscovered the miracle of delegation thanks to overwhelm. By delegating tasks to the people around me, hiring in extra help, and holding everyone accountable to keep their part of the machinery running, I give myself the precious gifts of time and mental bandwidth.
Taking responsibility for other people’s issues and insecurities can add an immense load to my already full life. However, they need to cope with what they feel, what they’ve done, and how it impacts their lives – it’s not my responsibility, and I don’t need to compensate for it. (Please note, this does not mean that I don’t feel empathy or won’t help. It just means that I make a distinction between what is and isn’t my responsibility, to look after my own well-being.)
Usually, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I know it’s time to re-evaluate my expectations of myself. What’s realistically achievable, when I take my time, energy and obligations into consideration? If I discover any unrealistic expectations, I examine what informed them, and how I need to adjust my thinking.
It might sound like hard emotional labor to do all of this but it’s worth it. The gifts of time, space to think, peace of mind, contentment in my heart, and knowing that I live with integrity are worth the work.
“I cannot do all the good that the world needs. But the world needs all the good I can do.”
– Jana Stanfield, musician
Rescuing Others
Helping others is a good thing to do – it makes us kind and caring human beings. At times, you might even feel that it’s your “duty” to “make” someone else happy. But can we really “rescue” someone at all?
With my education in professional therapy, I tend to steer clear of the word “rescue” when I’m referring to helping other people (except in the literal sense, like when someone is rescued from drowning, for instance).
Just as some people thrive on being rescuers, others thrive on being rescued. And “rescuing” them isn’t necessarily doing them any good – it might be enabling the behavior that caused the need to be “rescued” in the first place.
Instead of rescuing someone else, it’s more productive to be supportive and caring, while not minimizing their agency or being patronizing. (And even while supporting another person, it’s important to keep your own needs in mind too.)
I’ve also learned to do the following: instead of asking, “Can I help you?” or, “How can I help you?” I’ll ask, “What can I do for you right now?” And, “Is there something you’d like me to take care of later?” Using different words makes the questions sound more pragmatic/hands-on than just a token offering of help. A more specific question might, in turn, encourage the other person to express a specific need.
Rescue and Recovery – Caring for Yourself and Others
During the #MTtalk Twitter chat this week, we’re going to discuss what rescue and recovery mean to you, where to draw the line between caring for yourself and being selfish, and how to support others while empowering rather than enabling them.
In our Twitter poll this week, we wanted to know how you spend time away from work, and “catching up on house tasks” won. To see all the options and results, please click here.
We’d love you to participate in the chat, and the following questions may spark some thoughts in preparation for it:
- How do you unplug during recovery times? Does it help? Does it work?
- Eleanor Brown once said, “You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” What does this quote mean to you?
- When is it self-care and when is it acting selfishly? Is there a difference?
- How do you know that you’ve recovered sufficiently to function well?
- Short of trying to “rescue” someone, what are other ways you can be helpful to them?
- How can you care for/rescue someone without enabling unhealthy behavior/choices?
Twitter Chat Resources
To help you prepare for the chat, we’ve compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)
How to Learn From Your Mistakes
How to Avoid Generosity Burnout
Why Being a Generous Leader Can Make You a Great Leader
How to Join
Follow us on Twitter to make sure that you don’t miss out on any of the action this Friday! We’ll be tweeting out 10 questions during our hour-long chat. To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “Latest” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.
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